Building Confidence in Children: Competence Over Compliments

We all want our children to feel confident. But there’s a difference between confidence that’s earned and confidence that’s inflated. While well-meaning praise might offer a temporary boost, true self-belief comes from something far more powerful: proven competence.

Why ‘Plastic’ Praise Doesn’t Stick

Saying ‘Well done!’ or ‘You’re so clever! feels encouraging, but when those words aren’t grounded in anything tangible, they feel empty. Children are smart. They know when a compliment is vague or when it’s just being used to smooth over discomfort. Over time, this kind of praise can make children doubt themselves rather than trust in their abilities.

Confidence isn’t built from compliments. It’s built from experience: real effort, real progress and real recognition of growth.

Confidence Comes from Competence

Competence is something we can nurture. Confidence takes root when a child learns a new skill, overcomes a challenge or gets something right after struggling. The quiet satisfaction of ‘I did that’ lasts a long time and is more powerful than praise or prizes.

We see this all the time. A child who once hesitated to read aloud suddenly volunteers to go first. Another who usually shrugs off feedback starts asking, ‘How can I make this better?’ This is the result of a learning environment that recognises effort, not just outcomes.

A Supportive Environment Builds Bravery

To help children take risks and stretch themselves, they need to feel safe. That starts with us and how we present ourselves: relaxed, open, warm and willing to laugh at our own mistakes. We don’t need to pretend we’re perfect - quite the opposite. By sharing our own challenges, we model resilience.

A few things that help:

• Listening to children’s thoughts and responding thoughtfully

• Remembering small details they’ve shared and bringing them back into learning

• Asking for their opinion, even (especially) when it’s different from our own

• Creating low-stakes moments for them to shine

Confidence doesn’t need to be loud. It starts quietly, when a child feels seen.

Do’s and Don’ts - Here are some tangible ways to build your child’s competence, and their confidence, without relying on empty praise:

DO: Give real responsibility

Ask your child’s opinion on something meaningful and genuinely act on it. Whether it's helping decide what to wear for an important meeting, how to rearrange a room or giving their opinion on a dilemma at work, show them that their perspective matters. Let them experience the outcome of their guidance. Follow up and tell them how their advice made a difference. This proves that their voice is not only heard, but valued.

DON’T: Rush past reflection

It’s easy to jump in with a ‘Well done!’ when your child finishes a task. However, if we constantly fill the space with praise, we take away an important opportunity for them to reflect, make sense of their experience and take ownership of it. This isn’t just about giving them time to think, it’s about helping them develop the skills that underpin true confidence: the ability to self-evaluate, make choices and understand their own growth. These are the building blocks of independence and resilience.

DO: Break big tasks into manageable steps

Whether it’s writing a story or preparing for a test, help your child break the task into chunks. Planning, writing and editing can be overwhelming as a whole, but much more approachable one step at a time. Guide them in how to tackle challenges progressively, so they see success is within reach.

DON’T: Let labels define them

Be very careful with fixed statements like ‘My child is good at Maths but struggles with English.’ These kinds of labels often become self-fulfilling prophecies. Children start to live by them. Instead, encourage a growth mindset: ‘These subjects use different types of thinking - let’s work out what’s missing or needs adjusting.’ Assume your child is capable of more than you expect and let them surprise you.

Feedback That Builds, Not Breaks

Children thrive on feedback that’s honest, kind and actionable. This shows we’re on their side. We’re not pointing out flaws - we’re pointing the way forward.

Mistakes Are Not the Enemy

Our best lessons include mistakes. In fact, we make room for them, turning them into teachable moments. Confidence grows when a child realises mistakes won’t sink them. Instead, they become part of how we all learn.

Final Thought

Building confidence doesn’t mean inflating egos. It means giving children chances to prove themselves - to themselves. With encouragement, feedback and a space where they feel safe to try, children begin to internalise the message: I can do this. Then they believe it. If you'd like to know more about how we can help support your child's confidence, feel free to get in touch at info@linkythinks.com.